Self Help: How to create and set boundaries in your life

Hey everyone,

Welcome back!

The best quote to describe having boundaries is 'If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything' by Alexander Hamilton. Speaking of Hamilton, have you all seen the musical live on Netflix? It's so amazing. The songs, acting and the costumes were stunning. Definitely recommend! Anyways, back to the post. :) 

There are the obvious boundaries that we are all aware, like for example when you're insulting someone in public, or when you talked about a controversial topic in public, these are the obvious boundaries that we are aware of. However, this post is about your own personal boundaries and what you allow people to say about you. 

As we get older, you tend to discover what you like, dislike and your personal preferences to everything in life, the problem arises when someone confronts or challenges you about those things, how do you stand up for yourself during those times. So here are some ways that could help be more assertive when it comes to reinstating your boundaries. 

1) Be patient when it comes to figuring out your own boundaries.

When it comes to setting your own boundaries, whether it's in relationships, friendships, behaviors, likes & dislikes that you will accept in your life, patience is key. It takes a lot of allowing yourself to learn what you like and what makes you feel uncomfortable. Once you have determined your boundaries, it's time to stick to it.

2) Remind yourself what you are willing to accept and what you will not.

There will be times where people will challenge you for the sake of doing so, this is where you have to stand and say 'no, I'm not taking this any further'. The best thing to do, is once you realize that person has crossed the line, tell them straight away rather than wait. The longer you wait, the more they think it's ok for them to treat you this way. 

3) Stand your ground.

The next step is the hardest which is sticking to your boundaries. A few tips to help yourself that I have learnt is to be aware when someone is pushing your boundaries. At that point, ask yourself, will I allow it or not. The more you do this practice, the more aware you become when someone is pushing your boundaries. In terms of making them aware they are pushing your boundaries, don't be afraid to say 'I think you are going too far' or 'I disagree with what you are saying'. It may seem difficult to speak out at first, but remember sometimes, some people are aware unless they are being told so.

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So once you got clear boundaries and you're comfortable with standing your ground on them, the next thing is to deal with confrontations or challenges about it. The four things you have to constantly remind yourself when someone questions your boundaries is 

a)How much do you believe in that boundary.

b) Can you live with yourself if you're going to allow people to push your boundaries

c) How important is it to you to stick to this boundary of yours

d) How do you feel after allowing them to push pass your boundary.

By asking yourself these questions, it will allow you to remind yourself the importance of sticking to your boundary and over time, you will learn to speak up about it. 

Obviously, I am aware we all have our own process and our own ways of pushing our own boundaries. The main thing here to remember is that, you don't need to compare your progress to other people's because this is about changing your own mindset. Yes, it may take time, does not matter how long it takes but do remember that it is a process, it's a step by step goal not something you can change overnight.

For me, personally I am still doing it day by day. Creating small goals for myself works. For example, 

I would start by understanding why I find it hard to say no, then move on to let's try to say NO and observe how I feel from it .... and slowly build up to be more confident in saying NO if it's something I don't want to attend or do. The thing I realized, is that it takes a lot of practice to build that confidence and a lot of courage to be aware and switch your mindset. This leads on to my next main point. 

Here are the THREE key behavior skills that can help you change your habit/the way you think.

1) Confidence

Fake it till you make it as they say, actually works. It tricks your brain to think you are doing it hence, there is less resistance or less chance of you putting yourself down for it. By telling yourself ' I am going to do this, I know I can do it & I believe in myself to get through this' before you do something, it sets your expectation and confidence off the roof, allowing to carry on the task at hand more confident. Try it. 

2)Be aware.

Awareness is really important when it comes to change. If we are not aware of what needs to change, nothing will get changed. To be aware, takes a lot of patience, observation, evaluation and persistence. With awareness, comes noting when something happens and you realize, wait a second! This is the turning point for me - I could either go left or right, and from then on, you observe which path you would naturally take and note why you didn't want to take the second path. Over time, as you build more confidence you will also build more awareness. One day, you'll reach this crossroad again and you'll tell yourself, 'you know what..I'm going to try a different route today and let's see what happens'. 

3) Switch

As you gain more confidence and awareness, switching becomes a lot easier. You have got to know what switch you would like to make and focus on the positives from making that switch. It could be a daily habit, a fitness habit, mental habit - anything, all it takes is a plan, persistence and patience. With all these steps, you'll broaden your perspective and also achieve a more longer lasting change rather than a short lived switch. 

With that, I hope this post made it clear how changing a mindset takes time and you can't rush it if you would like to achieve a long term change. At the end of the day, its not about tricking your mind with illusions, but it's about learning to be aware of what's outside that bubble and make a definitive choice to change. 

I hope this post helped you today,

and I will see you in my next one,

G.